MATT SCHAUB
Assistant to the Quarterback

The Cotton Schaub had 4 TDs and nearly 400 yards passing, totalling 29 points... all while sitting on the damn bench!

"Alright, mighty Kaiju. It's time for F. Scott Fitzgerald to join the Dead Poets Society... wait, what do you mean he's not a poet? Man, I worked all day on that one. Balls."

A NEW FFL SEASON STARTS FOR THE ESSEN CITY KAIJU

WITH A 3-3 RECORD, THE KAIJU PLAYERS LOOK TO START THE 2009 ANEW.

Kaiju GM Brian Essen entered his team’s locker room this week address his team.  The speech was short and poignant, especially given the laundry cart he was standing next to.

“Hello there!” said Essen.  “It’s nice to see you all again.  Now that the Coasters’ season is done, I’m back to manage you guys.  Lot of new and strange faces... Some bizarre.  Ricky, is that you?  Didn’t we fire you back in season one?  Anyway, they tell me you’re at 3-3 right now, which means we might as well be at 0-0.  So let’s start this season over!  Forget all about what happened the first six weeks of the season.  It’s now that matters, and the next week, and some weeks after that, even.  So I’m told.  The best thing to do... Oh my God, Tony!  Behind you!  It’s the PREDATOR!!!  Oh wait, my bad, Marshawn.  I keep forgetting you’re human.  Where was I? Oh right, I was over by the laundry...”

McNabb lept in joy after the disquisition, only to twist his angle on the landing. “This means we have a shot at going undefeated!” he exclaimed as he winced in pain.

Matt Schaub is a big reason why this team is 3-3 and able to start this season over fresh.

Antonio Bryant is among several Kaiju draft picks who would like to start the 2009 season again.

The Kaiju’s 3-3 start currently has them in a five-way tie for third place, though something called “Pts” would keep them out of the playoffs (if the season ended today).  So to inspire his team, Essen decided to give them hope by telling them they can start over, despite no conversations with the league about dropping their previous six games from their record and counting only the winning percentage of the remaining eight weeks.

“It’s a new day and a new season in Essen City,” said Thomas Jones.  “The prospect of going wire-to-wire, just like the great champions of the 1990 Cincinnati Reds, has me covered in goosebumps... Just feel ‘em.  I bet you, I’ll have 481 yards and six touchdowns by our second game.”

As usual, the Kaiju's defensive corps had a different view of the situation.

"Um... actually, forgetting what has happened so far this season sounds like a great idea," commented the Chicago defense, in near unison.

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